i don't even know where to start with my feelings. I guess I will start by saying that I know I do this... and i'm fairly certain in a few days I will feel just fine, but i also feel so overwhelmed and itchy and uncomfortable with change.. like when i came back to my job i was like "hmmm, is this really what i want?" but now that i'm back and in the groove its totally fulfilling me again! And i haven't been thinking anything but positive things about this move since we decided to do it. Just SO excited to be out in shawnigan in the country, with a big house and family right next door, and all the inconveniences of moving out of the city have just floated away. But GOD. Now everything is seeming monumental. I fear i'll never see my friends again, or if I make too much of an effort I won't enjoy my home. I fear they won't come up and visit me. The overwhelming idea of making new friends or rekindling old friends is making my head spin spin spin!!! ARGH!.
I'm just freaking out about everything, and I don't feel settled in my heart.. I just want to relax with zac in our home and make it feel like home.
I'm kinda bummed we're having the party so soon... I hope we will feel relaxed and at home with our place by saturday, but it would have been nice to have a week and a bit to settle in before having a bunch of people over... i dont even know where everything is!! haha. I think i'll just try to be super relaxed about it and just have a good time :).
I also feel like my past is rushing in... shawnigan is where i grew up, there are a lot of memories, and truth be told, a lot of ex boyfriends. I mean, they weren't anything serious, just silly high school relationships, but we haven't remained friends since so its like that "oh hey... the last time i saw you we were dating... hows life?!" haha and it doesnt have to be awkward, i just talked to joey the other day about me being engaged and he was soo happy for me and he told me about his lady and it was just nice and grown up and like we were just friends and were actually happy for one another, none of that weird 'we used to date' vibe going on or like potential flirting or innuendo's... maybe my other exes are just douches and i shouldn't worry about it haha. If it turns out to be like that, like me and joey, i'd totally be down with being friendly.. but if they're gonna act like shawn and not even want to be friends if i'm engaged cause i'm not availabe to them, then fuuuuuck that. I mean, obviously fuck that, i guess i'm just worried that there will be those guys who are like that... not being happy for me or accepting of it, just thinking of me as a girl they used to date and not really seeing me for any other human potential other than that...
I guess I just worry too much... and look too much in the future and worry about how i'm gonna handle it. There's a very real chance I will see these people more now, but there's also a very real chance i won't really run into them, and then all this worrying is for nothing!
I think I just need to not worry about how they act... i'll just be my happy self with my amazing fiance, and if we have a positive interaction, thats cool! and if they're douchey, well thats cool too! it doesnt matter! Just cause I see them doesnt mean we have to be friendly!
Huh... i wonder what this move has in store :). Should be an interesting adventure! I just wish Zac was gonna be here for more of it... </3.
Lemme know if you get it...
I want a baby more than I can even say. I don't even just want a baby, I want to be a MOM. I want to wake up and see your freckled face every morning. I want to teach you, and watch you grow and learn. I just want you....
I've never wanted anything like I want this... I've never felt, other than falling in love with Zac, this soul crushing certainty that this is what I want, what I'm meant to do. The single most rewarding experience of my life. The piece of my heart thats still sitting... waiting.
Love songs are even beginning to be about you. This is the song I want to dance with your father to at our wedding... and now I can't imagine how it's not about two people wanting a baby...
Two hearts fading, like a flower
All this waiting, for the power
For some answer, to this fire
Sinking slowly, the waters higher
With no secrets, no obsessions
This time I'm speeding, with no direction
Without a reason, what is this fire?
Burning slowly... my one and only
You know me, you know my way in
You just can't show me, but god I'm praying
That you'll find me, that you'll see me
That you'll run and never tire
I miss you... Every day... I miss a person who doesn't even exist yet...
- Current Music:Desire-Ryan Adams
I was going to write this outside, but I went outside and it's kind of cold.. i'm not used to this hahaha. I am severely burnt right now... YAY SKIN DISEASE!!! hahaa just kidding, it's made me very anal about wearing sunscreen...
So... I was going to write at several different points in my day... but I've gone through several different emotions... so I'm going to go through these, emotion by emotion...
First of all... I was upset leaving yesterday. I'm feeling... odd. I feel like i'm changing.. and my life is changing.. and i'm not sure where i fit anymore. I'm ridiculously happy in my relationship, and my work has taken a turn for the more rewarding, with a new and challenging work opportunity almost in the bag... but my friendships are changing... and i'm just not sure where I want to fit or be in this life...
There's something beautiful about being with Zac on vacation... no worries, no responsibilities.. its beautiful. But now we're back... and we only have evenings together now, and how much of those evenings are filled with chores, responsibilities, making dinner?... we're back to the grind, and of me desperately trying to FIT IN relaxation haha.
Anyways, this totally went off topic, but it was part of the reason I was upset yesterday... I don't think I was ready to come back to our normal grind haha... or maybe I don't want to let it get there. We obviously have jobs, and responsibilities... but i'm so sick of always feeling that nagging feeling of obligation... and I miss talking on the phone haha. So, I think I'm going to let go of facebook obligations. I really enjoyed not HAVING to reply or do annything, cause I was on vacation.. and hopefully this would increase phone conversations, not being readily available on facebook haha. I obviously have email obligations, and until i'm settled and sure in this new job I'll have things to answer to... but I'm feeling kind of sick of being reliable haha. And not in every way, I really enjoy feeling like someone people can rely on.. but sometimes I work too hard for it, and it just sucks up my time.
Anyways! So I was kind of sad to come home to all of this... all of those lists of things I want to get done... so I'm going to really try to carry the carefree-ness of my vacation with me, as much as I can. And I miss zac today :(. haha aww, he just phoned me, and we sat on the phone for half an hour planning our road trip :). Looks like driving to Ontario it is... hahah. Aww man, now my head is filled with road trip plans!!! haha i think it's gonna be awesome... a long first week though... a lot of driving!! Anyways, I was also sad to leave Zacs family.. I really felt accepted and like one of them this trip... they're alot of fun, and it was so awesome to just hang out with them :). I'm excited to go back in october, even though it wont be such an excessive family trip, it'll still be good to see them :). It made me excited about living in Ottawa one day... I'm really looking forward to it :). haha when Zacs mom and I were talking about it she said to make sure we have some babies when we move there haha.
Damnit, my manicure is breaking already!!! haha yes, i had a manicure... and i feel like they are going to be my guilty girly pleasure... french manicures kick ass! haha.
Okay, so what i REALLY wanted to talk about was how I felt this morning... I felt... lost. Away from Zac, away from people... it meant a lot of things to me. Firstly... i KNOW I want babies.. but this was one of those wake up calls where it was like 'i WANT to wake up to a house full of people, and have a bunch of obligations to them, and things to do'. I want a family... I dont want to wake up and have all this time to myself. haha now once i'm a mom i'll probably bite those words... but I am SO ready it's not even fair... and it also made me think about happiness. And what I do that makes me happy.
Being stuck on facebook doesn't make me happy... but connecting does. As I started reading Gina's blog... I just started to fill up. I was feeling kind of empty and alone all morning and then that reading filled me up. She put interesting thoughts in my head, she made me feel connected, and she stopped me from feeling lonely. That is definitely one of the things that makes me happy... and thinking about writing in my own made me feel happy :). I think peoples ideas of happiness are so drastically different,and its hard for me to say that writing and reading blogs makes me intrinsically happy.. because its not playing an instrument or doing something physical... but I need to honour what makes ME happy.
And also, I've been really thinking about diving into writing the book about my Opa... I'd love to have it done for christmas as a christmas present. I'm hoping this new job will give me the opportunity to do that, as I will have chunks of time to myself while Zac is at work and our schedules are different... here's hoping!!!
Anyways.. I have a lot to say... and there is so much more in my mind than what I wrote, but I hope it makes sense!! hahah. Embrace your own kind of happiness :). And here I vow to hold onto some of that care free vacation Erica... I don't have to be all responsible all the time... I can just relax, and let life happen :).
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:walk on the ocean - john mayer
Hey peoples :). I've wanted to write all week, about the amazing things that have been going on with my kids :). BUT ALAS!! No time!! But I wanted to let you know that I'll be in Ontario until the 20th, and i'll post if i can but last time I was there internet access was scarce, so we'll see!!
But I'll miss you!!!
I just had an insight into myself...
I'm reading over my ENFP Myers Briggs classification... and it paints a picture closer to the girl I am becoming... a girl who lives in the moment, questions and seeks knowledge, acts on a whim, and surrounds herself with beauty. A girl who is caring and curious about others, and who is a visionary who implements grand ideals.
The thing that struck me most, and that I resisted the most, was my desire to be spontaneous. I used to get anxious by spontenaity. I wanted to plan everything and know what I was doing... I feel like I've held onto that, as if it were part of me I wanted to accept... but now, sitting here and reading this description of myself, and really taking notice of WHO i am now. Of wanting to not plan the weekend, of wanting to wake up and drive 2 hours to sit on a beach. Of wanting to try different coffee every time and explore the city I live in. I AM that spontaneous person, who lives more for the process than the end result. And I very much, honestly think, that that tendancy to want to plan and structure, was me dealing with some anxiety issues. I know I didn't have an intense anxiety disorder but I do know I suffered from it as a young teenager and I think it over flowed a bit into my adult years. It boiled down to control. I had an experience where I fully lost control and it scared me to death. As i've grown up I've seen how this tendancy to plan and need to control has hindered my life. Now I feel I can go to saltspring, without knowing where I will sleep, but feeling okay about the possibility of sleeping on a beach, or coming home. It's okay. I've built up a resevoir within myself of safety. And so I can feel safe in any/most situations. I remember when I came back from Europe... and I felt so good cause I felt like I could truly sleep anywhere now. I'd slept in hostels, on trains, in a king bed sideways with three other girls. on a floor, or a small couch. And I felt so proud... that I knew I could sleep anywhere, and I'd be okay.
I know I've quoted this on my facebook before, but here I shall quote it again, because I can really see my own camels hump, and how it is enriching my life every step of the way:
"The camel has a big dumb ugly hump. But in the desert, where prettier, more streamlined beasts die quickly of thirst, the camel survives quite nicely. As legend has it, the camel carries its own water, stores it in its stupid hump. If individuals, like camels, perfect their inner resources, if we have the power WITHIN us, then we can cross any wastelane in relative comfort and survive in arid surroundings without relying on the external. Often, moreover, it is our 'hump'--that aspect of our being that society finds eccentric, ridiculous, or disagreeable--that holds our sweet waters, our secret well of happiness, the key to our equanimity in malevolent climes."
- Current Mood: inspired
- Current Music:blackbird-the beatles
I feel better :). I think I just needed to be sad about that... and now I can move forward :).
My bestest is coming over for a bbq tonight tho so that makes me happy :). I'm going to make her play video games with me :). And the love of my life is making chicken avacado monterey jack burgers and rhubarb crisp :).
Okay, I just had to share this thought with you:
Zac and I got massages on friday night and as she was massaging me I became acutely aware of myself as a skeleton. Think about it for a minute. As she was massaging my feet I just thought about my foot as bones.. and my toes as little pointy bones attached to my foot bone plates. And as they moved and i curled in my toes i just pictured them as a skeleton doing it... it's quite neat to stop and think about what your body is made of :).
- Current Mood: chipper
- Current Music:SNL
Is friendship bound to fade??
I just watched the movie Bridesmaids.. and along with making me laugh, it also made me cry... a lot haha.
I dont know where to start... or what I really want to say. I've seen many of my friendships come and go.. I was close as spit (dont know what that means it just sounded good) to two girls in highschool.. and although I've tried to hang onto the friendships... i've resigned to accepting defeat.. it's over. It's over in so many ways. And Lori and Sarah and me.. we've been through it all. I mean... it was like that scene in sex and the city... we were eachothers soul mates... our empty nights were spent with eachother, watching movies, painting... and i'm terrified that it's all changing.
I've been telling myself that it's okay... that we're all growing up and i'm so busy anyways and it's just part of life and i'm excited for a new chapter... but really... i'm scared shitless. In my head I KNOW its part of life.. but I don't feel that way right now. I don't want to be the kind of person who only has other couple friends and who just... melds into their partner. I love Zac, and I love his friends, but they're not MY friends. They're not the people I can say or do anything in front of... who know me inside out and love and accept me no matter what... maybe one day they'll become that... I dont know. But no matter what, nothing will ever be able to replace those friendships.
And I know distance is only distance... but it's hard. What happens if we all just get too busy to call for weeks?? It's happened here but then when we're ready to get together we can just see eachother.. but not anymore... what happens when we meet new people that we start spending all our time with?? Are we going to get jealous and break their giant cookie and throw grass in their chocolate fountain?! (see the movie haha). Who will I paint with??
I don't want to lose me... and they are such a huge part of me. When I'm with them... I feel more in touch with who I am.
I know we will never lose eachother... There are friends that you just stay connected to... like Katie. We can get together twice a year and it's still real and meaningful and wonderful... I'll just miss them.. I'll miss everything we were to eachother, and everything we bring to eachother... cause as much as we will stay connected and it will still be beautiful... it will never be the same.
There is a real loss here... and I think it needs to be acknowledged. It's good it's happening, it's life, it's growth, and in our hearts we will always love eachother and be connected... but this is the end of an era... I'm tired of glossing over it. I'm not going to dwell on it, or live my life wishing things were different... I just need to acknowledge this very real loss... I need to mourn it. And I need to hold inside of me the gifts they bring.. the gifts these friendships bring. There will be new friends, for all of us, and they will be special. And our partners will become (if they arent already) our best friends and thats wonderful, but they will never be us. And that is such a beautiful thing.
I love you two... and I'm sorry if I haven't shown it properly lately... I think I've been in real denial haha... who knew it would take Maya Rudolph shitting in the street to finally break me down... haha.
To us. To sitting on the floor of lori's townhouse painting. To watching 17 Again 15 times. To spending hours just talking. To walking to Rogers and getting movies and chocolate... To always being there for eachother.
To always loving you, and to being loved like no other.
To the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one.
- Current Mood: melancholy
- Current Music:zac snoring, banjo purring
How amazing is music?? I'm sitting down here to write, thinking wonderful thoughts, and as i'm contemplating what to title this... i'm struck by the magic that exists in poetry strung together with randomly deliberate notes :). It fills me up, and makes me want to write another "listen to this" entry :).
The Banjolin Song - Mumford and Sons
Time Tough - Toots and the Maytals ft. Ryan Adams
Yes :). They make me happy!
Today has been really good :). Had an awesome day with my kids.. we experimented with our primary colours via paint :). I love this age for reals... In regards to the boy whos been difficult.. I've made a good connection with his mom and it felt very good.. she expressed how she's missed having his primary to talk with and she liked how I dealt with/saw her son cause I definitely talked a lot about the positive (cause he really is SO smart and so darling!) I can't say if I'm just used to it.. but I feel like I saw an improvement this week. Not as much swearing. Does SUPER well at nap time, and when he was engaged in play he was a joy! I also found a 'natural consequence' moment which was AWESOME. FYI: natural consequences work! haha. There has been shoe throwing going around we were getting ready to go out and he was all "my shoes up there!" cause he couldn't get it... so i thought 'ah ha!" and luckily we COULD keep him inside, but i was like "i'm sorry, but you can't go outside because you only have one shoe, and thats not safe" and he cried for a bit but I think it really got through to him :). Later when we were going out he made sure to point out that he had two shoes so he could go out :).
I do have to say, there is a joy in my work I haven't felt in some time. The challenge and the age is very rewarding :).
So, I've been reading The Happiness Project... and it's filled me with lots of thoughts :). One thing that's really significant that applies to all of my life is just that... there ie something to be gained from every kind of person! I think I'm quick to judge people when I'm reading their books, simply because I try to identify with the people I'm reading. but in reading this book, I heavily identify with Gretchen Rubin on many things, but then find myself differing hugely on others. AND THATS OKAY!! haha she doesn't need to be me for me to connect to her. So I've really enjoyed that.... if anyone needs a wake up call about accepting/forgiving yourself, this book is really great for that. She's really honest about herself, even about the not so great stuff :).
But my mom just finished Me to We today and i'm reading the chapter in THP about making friends and making an effort to connect, and I thought.. how nice would it be to have a book club with my mom?! haha. A nd I thought my step mom would be into the same kind of books too and that'd be awesome :). So we're all in and forming this, and I'm SUPER excited :). So if anyone else would care to join, let me know :). I really like the idea of talking about some of these books that affect me so with some of the most brilliant and inspirational minds i know :). AND THAT MEANS YOU!! :D haha.
So... I think something is starting to shift... I think I'm starting to get comfortable in what a long term relationship entails.. i won't go into long details, but long term team work stuff has been hard for me... the first night we didn't have sex i totally wigged haha. Don't worry, it's still going strong :) haha. But it was hard for me to accept that it was OKAY if we didn't have sex every single night! So tonight he went off to baseball and I decided to stay home. I ended up going to the gym, having an awesome work out and shower, and coming home, turning on the fire place and curling up with my book :). It was SPLENDID!! And I think it's just... good for me to appreciate this time :). And to know that it's okay, and it doesn't mean our relationship is falling apart... I think the fact that alot of 'navy wives' (and I HATE that term by the way haha) say how they like when their spouse goes away...and I dont ever want to feel that way. But maybe I was so afraid of feeling that way that i thought it would be wrong to ENJOY a night alone. I have enjoyed nights alone I just haven't admitted it so freely or been so accepting of it haha. But now.. I'll never like it when he leaves. This night wouldn't have been magical if I hadn't known that he was coming home to me. But I really did love having the night to myself :).
And I shall end this with a few words:
Jolly, Starfish, Treacle, Blots.
- Current Mood: peaceful
- Current Music:publish my love - rogue wave
So. I want to go to bed. Here's what you need to know:
I spent all weekend packing and moving and unpacking (and aiding the change of blown up tires) lori and ash and brooky and caelan. They moved to Kelowna... it was tiring. After having a week of not enough sleep and then a week of REALLY not enough sleep, I am pooped. I do not want to hang out nor make plans with anyone ever. So there!!
I was in denial when I left Kelowna... and I woke up feeling very sad. I also had a dream bout Lori's family and you had another sister Lori... she was between you and Lisa... it was weird haha. But I went to work and I was just too upset... and it sucked cause I couldn't cry. But I had to pass on my circle duties cause I didn't have the heart... I feel a bit better now but I wish I had been able to cry... I need that cry.
Also.. I pretty much got offered my dream job today. I will tell you more when it's official, but i'll be supporting youth via online chat and giving suicide awareness presentations in highschool, as well as being part of designing curriculum for new presentations... pretty much everything i've ever said I wanted!!!
Life is good!
I also ate lobsters tonight, loaded with garlic butter. mmmmm
- Current Mood: tired